“School was so fun today Mom. Lizzy and I were playing, Lizzy is my best friend you know, anyways, we were playing when all of a sudden Caleb and Preston came up to us and told us to leave. We told them no but they kept telling us to leave. I went and got the teacher and she told them that we were there first and that they would have to play somewhere else until we were done. Lizzy’s my best friend you know Mom”. This is one of my many daily conversations with my daughter. Her name is Milla and she is now four years old. Although sometimes I swear she is 13! She came into my life unexpectedly and set my life on a whole different path. I do believe that she is here for a reason and I hope that I get to find out what that reason is. The one thing that I do know is that she has already changed my life for the better.
Let me give you a little background information on my boyfriend, now husband. His name is Johnny. We met in our 10th grade English class. He was the trouble maker of the class; never doing his work and always messing around with his friends. I was no angel but was nothing compared to him. At first, we just were friends. I had another boyfriend but that didn’t stop him from pursuing me. Eventually when my boyfriend and I broke up, Johnny and I started talking more and more. I can still recall our English teacher, Mrs. Ogden, telling me “you should stay away from Johnny, he is nothing but trouble”. Perhaps this is what drew me to him. He was opposite of me in about everything. We dated all through out high school; being told at every corner that we would never last, high school sweet hearts just don’t. Yet here we are twelve years later and still in love like it was the first year. I am glad that we never gave up and never listened to all those people that told us that there were so many fish in the sea and we should look around before deciding on one. He has been there by my side through everything. He has never once hesitated to support me. I will never forget the look on his face when he found out that I was pregnant.
I can still remember the day that I took that pregnancy test. I was 22 years old and still living with my parents. I really had no plans on being a mother anytime soon. I was enjoying being with my boyfriend, taking a couple of classes at the local community college, working as a nanny and just hanging out with my friends. I was late with my period, which I never usually am, so I knew that something was up. My parents were away on vacation but my little sister was home. My boyfriend sat downstairs with my sister while I went up to take the test. I was so nervous but really didn’t think that I was actually pregnant. I urinated on the little stick and sat in my room for those long three minutes. I don’t know if I waited three minutes or more but it seemed like forever. I looked at the test and there it was a faint second line. I was in shock. I walked downstairs, even though the only thing I really remember was looking at Johnny and nodding my head yes. I don’t remember much about that first conversation but there were plenty of more to follow.
At first we decided that we would have the baby. Then days following we started to think more and more about it. How would we support the baby, where would we live, would we get married? There were so many different things that we had to think about. I didn’t want my parents or his parents to know before we made the decision. I ended up going to the one person who knows everything about me, my older sister. She had a three month old little girl and I was supposed to help watch her while my sister went back to work. My sister is a nurse and works the night shift so I was to be there more to just help if the baby woke up. Well, my niece woke up and was up screaming for a good 4-5 hours. When my sister got home I just started to cry and told her that I could not stay there another night. I needed to go home to Johnny and figure this out. On my two hour drive home, I decided that there was no way that I would be able to have the baby. I was not ready and I didn’t think Johnny was either. I wanted to finish school and move out of my parents’ house at least! When I got home I told Johnny my decision. He told me that he would support me no matter what.
The next week was very hard on both of us. Although we both agreed not having the baby was the best thing for us, we were very sad and heart broken about the decision. The worst part was that one night at our weekly family dinners, my brother and sister-in-law announced they were going to be having their second baby. Johnny and I just looked at each other. I just wanted to break down and cry. I went to the doctors and made the arrangements to see the abortion clinic. We went on a Friday afternoon to talk with the doctor and sign all the papers. Everything was going to be done under complete privacy. I would fill the paper work out and the procedure would be done the following day. As we sat in that waiting room, looking at how the procedure would be done, I couldn’t help but start to cry. The room was cold and grey. There were other people there, many looking our age or younger. There was a big difference between us and them though and that was that they seemed not to be affected at all by what was going on. There was one couple where the guy was laying on the girls lap and another where the girl was laughing on the phone. I just thought to myself that these people were callous. Don’t they know this is not a place of laughter; that people that were here had decided to go through one of the hardest things that anyone could do in their life. I was sickened. Johnny and I sat there looking through the procedure book. They showed illustrations of the procedure from the first step to the last. As you went through each step you had to sign a piece the paper stating that you understood what was going to happen. I was alright through the first part, the part that had to do with me being put to sleep. But as soon as I got the picture of the embryo sack I could no longer go on. My eyes filled with water and could hardly see the paper. That lump, the one people get when they are trying to hold back tears, was in the back of my throat and was getting bigger by the second. I looked over at Johnny and he was almost expressionless. I kept thinking to myself “stop me Johnny; don’t let me go through this”. Johnny never said anything. I tried to force myself to finish signing the papers. I looked at Johnny one more time and handed him all the paper work. I was sad and mad at the same time. I hated myself for even coming here. I hated him for letting me come here; for not insisting on us keeping the baby. Most of all I hated that I even got myself in this situation. It was preventable and now I was about to take away a life; a life that God wanted here for a reason. I sat up and walked out of the room. I remember looking at the others there and being absolutely disgusted by them. I was disgusted at being in the same room with such heartless people. I understand that everyones circumstances are different and the people that I saw might not have been the ones even going through the procedure, but it made me mad that they showed no respect or empathy for others there. Johnny quickly followed me out of the building. I told him that I could not go through with it. What he said back to me completely surprised me. He said “Oh, I am so glad because I don’t want you to go through with it. I want to have this baby. I just didn’t say so because I want to be there to support you”. I couldn’t believe my ears. Thank God something stopped me from going through it. We gave each other a big hug and agreed that we would keep the baby and give it the best life we could. The first big decision had been made but there were plenty more things that had to change. The next big thing was to tell our parents. By this time, Johnny and I had been together for about 7 years, so it wasn’t a complete shock to either sets of parents. Johnny's mom basically jumped out of her seat in excitement. “I knew it” was the first thing she said. I guess I had started to act a little different and she picked up on that. My parents were very calm and said they would support me in whatever we decided. They were all very supportive with our choice.
The first couple months were very rough for me. I was throwing up most of the time and felt nauseas the rest of the time. I didn’t think that I would make it to the three month mark, the time when morning sickness starts to subside. Sure enough I did. We went to all the pre-natal appointments. I will always remember the first time I heard her heart beating; it made me cry. I could not believe that this person was growing inside of me. The first time I saw her on the ultrasound, I cried. Actually, I think I cried all the time! The rest of my pregnancy went well. I ate too much food and gained too much weight. I loved coffee and pound cake. There was one night when I made a pot of decaf coffee and drank all of that along with a whole pound cake. Johnny came over to the couch to have a piece of cake and when he saw there was none; well you can image the look on his face. I think at my final weigh in I had gained about 60 pounds. As for Johnny and I, we moved in together but decided not to get married right away. That was a tough one on the parents and grandparents. We had about four months of living together before I went into labor.
It was midnight exactly when I woke up and was sitting in a puddle of liquid. I thought I had peed in the bed so I went to the bathroom. I was so embarrassed. I realized in a couple of minutes that the liquid was still coming out; I called Johnny and told him that my water had broken. We went to the hospital and my labor started right away. At first it wasn’t too bad. Then I got to 2 centimeters and I thought I was going to die. I went in the shower and took a walk but nothing seemed to help. I was having really bad back labor. Luckily my sister, who is a labor and delivery nurse, was there so she knew how to help somewhat. Finally at 4 centimeters dilated I got the epidural, the best thing in the world. Everyone is always worried about the needle and how big it is, but it felt so good; it was almost like a distraction from the other pain I was in. It took a few minutes for it to kick in, but it was smooth sailing after that. I was able to talk, play cards, and watch TV. About 5 hours later I was ready to push. I pushed for about 2 hours. That was not hard but very tiring. Finally at 12:21 pm our daughter Milla was born. She was 6 pounds 6 ounces and 19 inches long. She was a tiny little thing but healthy as a baby could be. She tried to open her eyes the minute they put her in my arms. She had a full head of hair. It was dark, dark brown. We were expecting her to have black hair and dark brown eyes since she was half Chinese, but she surprised us. After her first bath she actually had red in her hair. I don’t think she was put down for the first 24 hours of her life. That first night I looked at her, tears rolling down my face, and thanked God that we made the choice we did. I thanked God that we gave her a chance to be here. I looked at her and saw all the things that she could do in her life; all the things that she could do for the world.
Milla has grown so much already. It is wonderful to watch her grow and learn more everyday. She is someone very special. I believe she has lived many lives before this one. She has eyes that look like they belong to an older person; like they have seen many things. Even some of the things she likes to eat or do are things that would appeal to an adult not a child. She loves eating calamari, sushi, fish, and any vegetable. One of her favorite movies to watch is the opera The Magic Flute by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The opera is all in German but she still loves watching it. She will sit there and laugh at the jokes. She once had her friends watch it with her. They watched it for about two minutes and were done. She just didn’t understand why they didn’t like. She loves listening to classical music. She surprises me sometimes by knowing some of the words or what movies certain songs were from. She also speaks at a more advance level than most four year olds. Most people are blown away with the things that she says. It is not so much the words that she uses but instead it’s the way she says things. She is very analytical. Milla has also grown to be a very caring and loving person. It is as though she feels the pain that others are feeling. She has learned about the birth and death of Jesus Christ. She was in tears due to the fact that Jesus was killed the way he was. She couldn’t understand why anyone would do that to him or to anyone for that matter. Her heart is very big. She has changed my life and I know she will be a big influence on many more.
I have never been the same after the birth of my daughter Milla. I look at the world in such a different way. No longer is it about me and my needs; instead I look for the joy that I can bring her. I never knew how much love a parent has for their children. I love her with everything that I am and every last breathe in my body. I would die for her. I know parents say that all the time but until you are a parent you don’t understand that you would do absolutely anything for your children, absolutely anything. I have become much more empathic towards others. My heart is now on my sleeve. I hate it sometimes because I can’t help but cry; sometimes for silly things like a commercial. I have also become a lot stronger. I have to show my children how to be a good person and help them develop into great people, even though I already think they are. My fears have been pushed aside and any insecurities I had before Milla are gone. There is no place and no time for such things. I am much different than any of my friends and different than a lot of 27 year olds. I don’t party or date different guys. My life is poopy diapers, kissing booboos, and loving my one true love. Milla being born was the biggest landmarks in my life to date. It sent me down a completely different path then I was on before her birth. I now am married to my soul mate, have had another child, a wonderful little boy Leo, and truly am happy and thankful for all in my life. I would not change my life for anything in the world and the main reason it is this way is because of the birth of Milla.
